My life is taking new and interesting turns again. I've not really decided how I feel about all of it, but I'm generally inclined to be pleased with the way that things are going.

That was Robyn-speak for "There's a new boy and I don't know what this is or where it's going and I'm afraid to be optimistic (so afraid) but I desperately want to be. I want to hope for... something. Something better. New. Different."

So we'll see.

Hey guys.

So my grandpa died yesterday and I will be in Johnson City this weekend. I should manage to get in sometime early this evening. I don't know how much free time I'll have, but it'd be nice to see some people while I'm home. So just give me a call if you want to try to get together this weekend (starting tonight). The funeral is on Sunday at 2:00 pm, if any of you are interested in that.

Still Hurting

Jamie is over and Jamie is gone

Jamie’s decided it’s time to move on

Jamie has new dreams he’s building upon

And I’m still hurting

Jamie arrived at the end of the line

Jamie’s convinced that the problems are mine

Jamie is probably feeling just fine

And I’m still hurting

What about lies, Jamie?

What about things that you swore to be true?

What about you, Jamie?

What about you?

Jamie is sure something wonderful died

Jamie decides it’s his right to decide

Jamie’s got secrets he doesn’t confide

And I’m still hurting

Go and hide and run away

Run away, run and find something better

Go and ride the sun away

Run away like it’s simple, like it’s right

*musical interlude*

Give me a day, Jamie

Bring back the lies, hang them back on the wall

Maybe I’d see how you could be

So certain that we had no chance at all

Jamie is over and where can I turn?

Covered with scars I did nothing to earn

Maybe there’s somewhere a lesson to learn

But that wouldn’t change the fact

That wouldn’t speed the time

Once the foundation’s cracked

And I’m still hurting

--from The Last Five Years

Because if you can't angst on your xanga, then where can you angst? Really, now...

I did not realize that it was possible for me to be in so much pain. Every day is torture to make it through and they don't feel like they're getting any easier. I just don't understand why we can't just fix it. I don't understand how he can be okay with not seeing me or talking to me. I don't understand anything and it's hard. It's just so damn hard and I'm sick of being miserable and crying every day and knowing that he doesn't want to be the one to make it better for me anymore. I gave him so much of me that I don't know how to even start trying to rebuild myself. All the things that were me became me and him and now me without the him is so full of holes that she can't stand up on her own. I've collapsed and I'm not sure that there's enough of me left to make a foundation with.

Did he keep himself? He must have, because I don't feel like I have anything left of him. Just a giant, gaping hole in my life and in my heart.